My father is being such a shmuck lately. Gaah.

Okay, this might be the only time ill be confessing this but what the heck everyone knows its true anyway.

HELLO IM JOSEPHINE CECILLE, YOUR WAY THAN AVERAGE SPOILED BRAT.

Its not that I force things on my dad, he just… gives in?

See, this is how le papa loves me. Haha

3 summers ago. Me and my mother were in the states, I was Buffy crazy even back then, I wanted to order the season 6 dvd but then buying one from Walmart seemed to be more expensive, so I got my moms credit card and ordered it in Amazon. BUT, I didn’t stop there, I went a little bit beyond my Moms limit of you know, 1 DVD set and spent more than $300 dollars on just buffy merchandise, and that was just the 1^st set of orders, I had 2 more to follow. What did my father do? NADA.

January 2006, when we were planning the new house, I told my father im fine with anything, I just want a walk in closet and you could do whatever you want. Turns out I was the only one with the Walk in closet, and he let me have my bed made, and my side table, and computer table, and tv table and the sofa by the window. Haha.

February 2006, I lost my phone and 3K because of my stupidity, my father replaced my money, and told my kuya to buy me a phone 3 months later.

June, my cousin sent me an ipod nano. Videos were out of stock so he bought me that instead, so I told le papa that I want a video but you know id sell the nano cause its kinda useless roight. So there sold it for like 9K. and what did I do with the money? KACHING KACHING, shop till you drop baby.

July, my fathers retirement month. He actually didn’t wanna work anymore, cause hes been working for 30 years and he wished to just rest. But me complaining and all blah blah that even if have money hello le papa, you think its really enough? He took the job GMA offered him just for me=)

September, while le parentals were away to have my fathers retirement vaca in the states, me and my then boyfriend, Kevin, were doing only God knows what in our car. KIDDING. Hahaha anyway, id pick up kevo in lasalle, then bring him home to pasay, then we’d sneak in our old house to be just alone and you know I brought him up to my room pa.  I know right.  Hahaha. Then le papa texted me one morning when I skipped school to go swimming with him.

What have you been doing? Picking up Kevin from school then bringing him home? Then you’d sit at the back seat of the car? MY DRIVERS AND GUARDS CAN SEE YOU. Do you not know you are carrying my name and my status wherever you go. And Everyone could see you down on the couch cuddling with him. Mahiya ka naman sa mga Body Guard at mga maid. Pag uwi ko humanda ka sakin.

And what punishment did I get when they got home?

My Canon SD 360, hot curlers, clothes and a whole lot of junk.

November, when me and Kevin broke up, he goes up to me and said. Haha, im Glad, I missed you eh, you don’t bake for me anymore, its always Kevin nalang, you don’t even talk to me that much na.

Then the next day, he texted me while I was in school. How are you? Its okay, Me momma and your kuya are always here to support you. I love you.

I have the sweetest daddy=)

December, I was still in semi-depressed mode, so everytime people had something against me, id go fight them. There was this time me and pop were arguing, then I got so mad at him because he was annoyingly debating with me. So we stopped talking, then I wanted Krispy Kremes, he dropped me off at home cause I didn’t want to be with him any longer then off he went to Serendra. An hour later, my mom called, and asked if I was willing to wait an hour more for my donuts… er okay. When they got home my mom told me that my father waited 2 hours in the longest line evar with his bad leg and aching back just to get me donuts cause he felt bad.=)

December. I lost his Ipod, well someone stole it in my room, he couldn’t do anything so he just told me to take good care of my things.

January, I had my belly button pierced knowing that my father will be so totally against it. 3 days after I got the damned ring, my father saw it while I was sleeping? My punishment? Scolding.

February, Le papa found Booze, Gin and Cigarettes in my room. What did I do? Didn’t say it was mine and didn’t talk to him for 5 days. Who said I was ever grounded? Hahaha.

This is actually a real fact, I’m the only one who can talk back to my father. Talk back as in. really talk back. Haha one time at one of his Christmas parties in his camp, he goes, Anak, You see those people? They’re all afraid of me. They do whatever I tell them without complaints. And Ikaw? My own daughter? BILIB AKO SAYO. Parang, ikaw yung General saatin eh.

My father gives me at least 1K everytime I go out, and that’s liek almost everyday. I know, kill me right.

I’m the only one my father really spends time with. My kuya didn’t really have my daddy when he was a child cause he was always away with the army, I guess he makes up for it with me. Pop and brotherboo don’t get to have Breakfast Dates together, he never gave my kuya donuts just cause he felt bad, Pop  never texted my kuya cause he broke up with his girlfriend, he never brings him home cake just cause kuya was sad, Daddy never went out shopping with my kuya alone, And He never texted my brother the sweetest messages on his birthdays.

Heck, Le mama is even jealous with me sometimes.

BUT  because of an incident last week regarding clothing and my craziness. My father and I have not been in good terms. Meaning, ME NOT TALKING TO HIM AT ALL. Haha. I know he misses me, but gawd, he’s soo hard to make timpla lately. I hate it. Before I had like a 50 % chance of Bora-ing now its like 30. fucker. I hate him sometimes, He’s so protective of me cause well I am the only daughter, and I am the youngest. But come on, Im growing pop. Im not yer little baby anymore. You need to trust me a bit more sometimes and just let me fly on my own.

Grr, is this really what I get for having a father who served the military for 30 years? Pfft.

i hate you sometimes.

But you’re the only one ive got.

I love you General Cabuay.

You may think I don’t appreciate every single thing you’ve done, but I do. I remember everything from the late night parties you allow me to down to the times I make you go to the grocery just because I need ingredients. I’m grateful for every single bit pop. I know I’m not the daughter you wanted to have, I mean you wanted one who got straight A’s or one who just stayed at home, I know you wanted someone who was the girl version of you, but this is me dad, I know you love me, however spoiled, mischievous and annoying I could be.

I bet you’ll never know how much I love you le papa, I don’t really know how to show it. I know I’m always sweet to you and le mama but I feel like its never enough.

After all this, I realized something Pop, Your bodyguards, they are there to serve you and protect you when those Npa’s are around, but they have their only families to think of than putting you first, in a battle, its really everyman for himself, but know that this is true Daddy,

I would gladly take a bullet for you.

In a heartbeat Daddy.

In a heartbeat.

i wanna be peterpan.
i never want to grow old

i never want to leave ST. PAUL.

college bells are ringing.
clock is ticking.

bye byee.. BOOM.


take me back to the start.

rewind. play. freeze.

PETERPAN, I NEED SOME FAIRY DUST.

my lifes been pretty fucked up.


HOWS YOURS?

So heres my life so far.

Hmm. My once thought greatest boyfriend turned out to be such an ass. NOTE TO SELF AND TO THE PEOPLE OUT THERE. Never trust anyone FULLY. Take it from me, you think someone’s loyal to you, you think someone loves you, but all he or shes feeding you is shit. They tell you they love you, but lie straight to your damn face. So there. DON’T TRUST, DON’T GIVE IN, DON’T GET HURT.

Oh oh oh, and don’t love too much. EFFORTS ARE ONLY GIVEN HALF WAY. Believe me, being taken for granted is the most horrible shit.

This is my most traumatizing yet, I swear, the wounds are so hard to heal.

MY BEST NEPHEW IN THE WORLD LEFT. Ive been dreading this for months, the day js leaves, wala.. couldn’t do anything, money calls, work calls, didn’t even get to say bye properly. Haii. You know I love you forever js. See you in a year or so.

HAYCA IS LEAVING. Rarrr, hayxx is like, one of my best friends. And now shes gon study in the states? Wala.. kill me na. don’t even have time to spend with her. Gaah. Really wanna die. Cant imagine how it is without this weirdo=(

GOODBYE CURLS. Actually, goodbye hair. Haha this is my shortest hair ever. Soon to be shorter, since the girls think its too long at the back. Hmm new hair. New life, I call it my bye kev hair. No seriously, this is to spite him somehow, but hey it fits naman, and ive been wanting to chop my curls off anyway.

So there. In a span of 1 month. Ive lost 3  life supports. Gaah. First kev, then JS, then hayxx is leaving.. haii… im not so sure how im getting by, but yeah, alls good. I hope.

I just hate change, good change yeah. But how can you get over and move on? How can you just stop thinking of one person, how can you stop talking to one person? Life sucks.

Yeah, lifes kinda like shittt now, but still. I got the best set of friends in the whole wide world to help me get by right?

God help me.

I woke up yesterday with the crappiest feeling ever. Knowing I lost you. I woke up crying, I woke up wrapped around my moms arms crying. i cried taking a shower, dressing up, going to school even when i was in school that’s all I did. I spent the morning in the clinic because i had trouble breathing already.

That’s all you ever seem to do, made me cry and treat me like crap.

I WANTED to fix things, to go back to you to try again.

But then I realized that for weeks, I have been living in denial. Even when people were starting to tell me shit about you I brushed it off because to me, you WERE perfect, that you couldn’t do anything wrong.

I put you so high up in a fucking pedestal and you liked it.

You liked your fucking power over me.

You fucking took me for granted.

And you tell me that you’re FED UP, that you GIVE UP?

With what ha? With fighting? 

Yes, im fed up with that too.  Im tired of fighting with you every single day.

BUT DON’T YOU EVER FUCKIN SAY YOU GIVE UP.

You have no right.

how can you give up when you never even tried.

I was the only one working in this relationship; I was the only one who made efforts to fix it. I SHOULD GIVE UP.

And now.

YES. I GIVE UP ON YOU

I AM FUCKING QUITTING YOU.

You are NOTHING to me now.

NOTHING.

I gave you EVERYTHING. I took care of you, I treated you well,

And you fucking tell me someone else is making you happy?

WTF.

YOU TELL ME SOMEONE ELSE IS TREATING YOU NICE?

How do you expect me to react to THAT, what do you expect me to feel?

You tell me someone else is doing my job? Someone else is making you happy when that’s all I ever seem to do?

I HATE YOU.

I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME BELIEVE IN YOU

I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME.

I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

I blame you.

Wrong move fool, WRONG FUCKING MOVE.

I shouldve trusted my friends. From the start they knew you already, but what did I do? I chose to be blind and deaf. I fought for you. I defended you from them. Because I saw you in a different light.

I saw a different you, and I thought you would stick.

YOU BLINDED ME.

You even made yourself look better.

Tapos na nga nagsisinungaling ka pa. PUTANG INA MO TALAGA.

You cant commit? You say youre too young?
you think im looking for someone to settle with? You think I want to get married? IM YOUNG TOO. Im not tying you down. I am just enjoying life.

YOU ARE SO SCARED.

I cant believe you can tell me that youre sawa na. after everything?  You tell me you cant be tied down. Puta, FOR 5 MONTHS YOU STUCK WITH ME. How can you just give that up. Grabe. ANG DUWAG MO.

I let you go without that feeling of regret.

I let you go without that heavy feeling in my heart

I let you go knowing that maybe we just grew apart from each other.

But after all this?

TANGINA THIS SHOULDVE HAPPENED SOONER.

I woke up today with that feeling of hate. I woke up wanting to get over you.

I AM DOING THAT.

I WILL NOT BE LEFT ALONE LIKE YOU, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO LOVE ME AND FRIENDS WHO SERiOUSLY WANT TO KILL YOU.

I loved you so much. I loved you for the both of us. I trusted you.

But You were never man enough for me.

You’re still such a fucking boy who couldn’t handle things.

I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Somehow I still love you,

BUT I LOVE MYSELF MORE.

I AM HOLDING UP MY WHITE FLAG.

BECAUSE I GIVE YOU UP.

I GIVE UP.

--

 i can have another you in a minute.

dont you ever for a second get to thinkng that you are irreplaceable.
--

I told you.

The tears have stopped.

The tears have stopped from pouring.

Because you aren’t worth crying over for.

And to think about it

YOU WERE NEVER REALLY WORTH IT.

then you stop and ask yourself,

is it really worth it? 

YES.

why?

youre in love, theres no room for buts or whys. no explanations needed..


I LOVE YOU. 
i know you know that.





- i saw the sunset today, and im telling you, im not giving up on you.=)

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

i was wrong. it could get better.

IT DID.

nothing beats this.

ive been waiting for this for two months.

i love you.

I am BEYOND happy

youd always be worth the wait babe=)

1.        Emptiness is nothing you can share 

2.        I'd sell my soul to have this silence broken

3.        From the tip of my toes running through my veins

4.        Please dont ignore me cause you know i adore you

5.        Laughing with your pretty mouth

6.        You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

7.        What i feel what ive known, turn the pages turn the stone

8.        he was too afraid to fly so he never did land

9.        When we collide we break in two

10.     What good is a life, with no one to share? The light of the moon. The honor of a swear.

11.     Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

12.     My heart is darker than these oceans

13.     So kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time ill let you

14.     Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her

15.     Cracked up, Stacked up, 22, psycho for sex and glue

16.     Oops, there goes my skirt, dropping to my feet oh my

17.     And there's a piece of me in every single second of every single day

18.     I'm not holding on and all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

19.     all I know is im so happy when you’re dancing there

20.     I thought if I didn’t go and play. The sadness would get bored and go away

21.     Only in the movies can you replay everything

22.     Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her

23.     I never promised you a ray of light, I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday

24.     no sweeping exits, or offstage lines. Could make me feel bitter, or treat you unkind

25.     Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you

26.     Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

27.     Between the lines of fear and blame and you begin to wonder why you came

28.     Still a thief, from the day she stole my heart now

29.     move down to me slip into you

30.     the things we do are just between me and you

Reply with your name, and I will answer the following questions for you the best that I can

1) my best memory of you is/was...

2) if i had the privilege of putting a headline on you, it would be on your...

3) and that headline would be...

4) you look good in...

5) ...reminds me of you.

6) you are like [any food]

7) i think you should star in [any movie].

8) your best bodypart is... because...